It took the relationship I’m in now to figure out that healthy relationships can’t exist without the tough conversations. While I might prefer to avoid them entirely and skip the excruciating discomfort, relationships don’t stay healthy that way. I’ve had to learn to confront problems rather than a person, and it has required heavy helpings of vulnerability and honesty to say the things I might have kept to myself in the past.
When we keep things to ourselves rather than talking them out, we’re usually holding onto resentments and making the problem worse in the long run. In truth, we can often attach ourselves to assumptions about our partners because we haven’t given them the opportunity to speak up for themselves. We are judge and jury, and all too often, we go straight to the punishment portion of the program without them ever knowing they were put on trial.
It happens to us, too, when our partners don’t speak up about the problems they have with us. Relationships like this end up in eye rolls, heavy sighs, and the dismissal of the other person’s lived experience in the relationship. It’s not healthy, and it damages trust and intimacy.
I didn’t know how to be healthy and communicate well when I started this relationship except in an academic sense. I’d had few opportunities to put it into practice over the years. Still, I had told myself that this relationship would be different. I wouldn’t repeat the mistakes of my past. I had to at least try to have the tough conversations.
While I cannot teach anyone how to summon the courage to do it, I can say that it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship. Here are a few tips to get started:
Keep statements focused on our own experience and avoid any statements that shame or blame the other person.
It’s not just about taking responsibility for how we feel — although that is a part of it. It’s about remembering that we can’t speak for someone else’s experience and can only talk about how behaviors have impacted us. Using “I feel” statements may primarily feel uncomfortable, it’s a good way to start when we’re learning how to more effectively communicate.
Make space for the other person to share without interruption.
Listening to what they have to say is essential. There should be an opportunity for them to speak up, too. Remember: they are human, too, with all the imperfections that includes.
Set boundaries for a respectful argument.
Since most of us don’t have the healthiest communication skills, we do need to watch out for gaslighting, invalidation, and other manipulations, but learning to fight fair and argue well is a skill set that we have to learn. It can help to keep our own voices calm and set some boundaries for the tough conversations. Keeping things kind and respectful should be a priority for any loving relationship.
Be honest — even when it’s hard.
This one is tough. Every relationship will not survive the tough conversations. They’re still necessary. If we care about the other person, we owe them honesty at a bare minimum.
Of course, this doesn’t mean cruelty. How and what we say matters, but we should be honest about how we feel, especially if our feelings have changed. We shouldn’t be so afraid to lose the relationship that we stop being honest with the other person.
Be aware of personal triggers.
Many arguments are born from past triggers — and it’s our responsibility to recognize that and heal them. We cannot outsource our healing to another person to do for us. No relationship will erase our past trauma, but we can talk openly about our triggers and how we are impacted by them. This doesn’t put the responsibility on the other person, but it does create a better understanding inside the relationship.
Do it now; don’t wait.
Delaying the tough conversations rarely makes anything better. It usually heightens our emotions, breeds resentment, and generally makes the conversations we do have more volatile than they needed to be. Learning to speak up when things are happening takes practice, but it’s much better than holding onto it until there’s the slightest hint of an argument and have it all come spewing out.
Hard conversations don’t really get easier over time. We can practice the skills, but it doesn’t lessen the emotional experience or make it all that comfortable. I still hate it, but I curiously feel better after it’s over.
But let’s be honest: I still have an emotional hangover, but there’s something to be said for clearing the air, being honest, and feeling heard. This is what healthy relationships require — the ability to have the hard talks with respectful communication.
When one partner is willing to practice this and the other isn’t, I would recommend therapeutic intervention. Getting a third party involved could help develop the skill set in a neutral location. But if the willingness to work on it is completely absent, just remember that none of us are capable of saving or even maintaining a relationship single-handedly.
But with a safe and healthy space to practice, we can learn to get better at this — even if we still hate it. Over time, we learn that avoiding the tough conversations won’t make them easier or make our relationships any better. A surface peace that just looks good still doesn’t feel good. If we want stronger relationships, we’ll have to be vulnerable, be honest, and be willing to try to talk it out.
Originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium
Hello, Readers!
Here in Georgia, kids are going back to school in under two weeks. How did this happen? Where did the summer go? I have many questions.
You may have noticed I changed the format up of these emails. Do you love it, hate it, feel indifferent to it altogether …? It’s okay to reach out and let me know. I know that finding time to read can be tough, and I want to make sure I’m sending quality content you care to receive (although that one series of trolling messages last week I could have lived without). Feel free to leave a comment if you prefer the old format or if you like it the way it is now.
Moving along … I’m still working on a few side projects. The full Heart of Madison series is out now (digital and paperback), and Left on Main is even available on Audible. My next poetry book is due out this Fall. In the meantime, you can catch my latest work on Medium and NewsBreak. Here’s a snapshot of recent titles:
She Calls Her Power Back (a poem)
I met my Goodreads Challenge reading goal of 50 books for 2021 already. Are you participating? What’s your goal? My goal last year was 25, so this year I went for a stretch goal. I may have to raise it again for 2022. Some of my favorite reads this year have been How to Stop Time (Matt Haig), Kulti (Mariana Zapata), The Soulmate Equation (Christina Lauren), and Just Last Night (Mhairi McFarlane).
That’s all, folks. Seriously, are you still reading?? You’re the sweetest! Thanks for all your support of my work, and follow me on Facebook or Instagram @CrystalJackson.Writer for more updates.
Best wishes & warmest regards,
Crystal