Reasons to Tell Your Story
Matt Haig’s “Reasons to Stay Alive” helped me openly talk about my struggle
In a single day, I read Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive. I read his riveting fictional novel The Midnight Library and loved it so much I pre-ordered How To Stop Time, my personal favorite. However, it was when I followed Matt Haig’s Instagram account that I realized he has also written a memoir about his experience with depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation. Because I, too, struggle with these mental health issues, I knew that I was going to get the book. If I’m honest, he had me at the title.
I needed some reasons to stay alive. I was always on the lookout for more of them. While my children and other loved ones topped the list, I often gave myself tiny reasons to stay alive. Wildflowers on the side of the road, small and often overlooked. The brilliant colors of a sunset. My bed with freshly laundered sheets and a soft blanket. Moonflowers blooming each season. Good books. Warm cookies. I added reasons to my list as often as I could because I needed every defense against the darkness I knew would come back for me.
One of the things I love most about Haig’s book is that he talks about how everyone experiences mental health issues differently — yet, none of us are alone in it. His experience of anxiety paired with depression was a mad rush of thoughts and sensory overwhelm. Mine is the opposite: it’s a barren landscape, devoid of color and thoughts. My feelings are amplified and yet oddly dull. Still, his experience reflected much of mine — that sense of isolation and feeling of hopelessness paired with a strange determination to continue, to realize that the terrible and overwhelming feelings will pass if we hang on long enough to let them.
I spent a day immersed in his story, and then I realized it was time to tell mine. I’ve been sitting on a story for nearly two years about the first time my vague suicide ideation crystallized into a clear and present intention. I did not act on it, but I sat in my car and thought about it. It wasn’t a vague wish but a clear want.
At the time, I wrote the story because I needed to, but I was afraid to publish it. I was afraid to share it because I still wasn’t fully capable of talking about it and didn’t want to spend time explaining myself or assuring other people I wasn’t going to go through with it. I was afraid of drawing unwanted attention to myself. I was afraid my co-parents would use it against me. I let the story sit in my drafts folder, and I would occasionally go back and read it again, wondering if now was the right time. It never was.
Then, I read Reasons to Stay Alive and realized that if we don’t share our vulnerable struggles with mental health, we cannot overcome the stigma. Haig’s book lists the statistics. Mental health issues are incredibly prevalent in our society. What’s not prevalent is the willingness to openly talk about the struggle. Normalizing the experience of mental illness could open up more avenues for people to get the help they need. Silence is killing us, often literally.
Read the full article on Books Are Our Superpower on Medium.
The world needs you in it. You matter. You are loved. Hold on.
If you need help, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1–800–273–8255, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. Veterans can call 1–800–273–8255 and press 1, or text 838255.
Your Reminder for the Week:
Warmest Regards,
Crystal