I am attempting to do something I’ve never done before: use online dating apps but do it with a healthy outlook. My previous experiences with online dating were at times in my life when I was earlier in my growth journey. The first time, following my divorce, I was just clueless about modern dating. I had no idea what I was doing, and I made a lot of mistakes. By the time I returned to it after a relationship, I was angry and jaded. I had a giant chip on my shoulder.
I’m returning again after the end of a nearly two-year relationship, but this time, I’m approaching it with a better mindset. I’m practicing healthy boundaries all around, and it’s already off to a better start. But I’m noticing something interesting. Now that I’m healthier, I can see all the red flags in other people’s profiles. I’m not judging them, but I am reminded of my own.
For a long time, when I thought of online dating, I thought of other people’s bad behavior. I thought about all the f*ckery that makes dating such an unpleasant experience. But I didn’t think about the negativity I brought to the experience or what I could be doing wrong. With the benefit of hindsight, I’m seeing all the red flags I was showing to healthier potential partners.
Are You Waving These Red Flags?
You’re Jaded
Being jaded is a red flag. If you’ve had your heartbroken, welcome to being human. We all have. It hurts. We’re supposed to grieve and then move on. We’re not supposed to turn our heartbreak into our identity and use it as an excuse to see everyone else through the same negative lens.
Assuming that everyone is a liar or user doesn’t make us practical and aware. It just makes us jaded and unpleasant. It could close the doors to potentially healthy relationships because the vibe we’re giving off is that we haven’t yet worked on our issues. Therapists are available to help us work through any grief or anger we have about the way our lives have turned out or the interactions we’ve had. Just don’t mistake a potential match for a therapist.
Your Ex Was the Problem
I won’t argue that some of our exes have some serious explaining to do. They are responsible for their bad behavior. We are responsible for our decision to partner them in the first place. Toxic partners often highlight the areas of our lives that require our attention.
My toxic exes showed me that I needed better boundaries — around my time, my interests, my money, and even my identity. Being able to take responsibility for our choices doesn’t mean letting our exes off the hook. It just means having the maturity of perspective. If all our stories feature us as the innocent victim, we’re likely showing a significant red flag that we lack self-awareness.
There’s a Chip on Your Shoulder
Angry, rude profiles don’t hurt my feelings now, but they do make me roll my eyes remembering how I used to have them. For men, they look like warnings that they don’t want gold diggers or someone they need to support. For me, it probably looked like warning men that I didn’t want to raise a grown-ass man who was incapable of carrying his weight.
Here’s the thing: people shouldn’t be looking for someone to financially support them and they should be capable of carrying their weight in relationships. Healthy people without a chip on their shoulder don’t need to say this because they’re alert to those cues when interacting with others. They don’t have to spell it out because they understanding the warning signs and generally aren’t interested in those partners. That big chip on the shoulder often turns away those who might otherwise be interested …
Hi, Readers!
For other new work, you can check out these two poems: How I Knew He Wasn’t Mine to Keep and Netflix and Feel. For relationships, check out Can You Fall For My Flaws? and To GenX: Your Soulmate Exists, But You Refuse to Meet Them. I also have ongoing work on NewsBreak, and you can check out my latest mental health tools on Mindstead.
I hope you all had a happy and safe holiday weekend. Thanks for being here and for reading. You’re appreciated!
Warmest Regards,
Crystal