When the Parent is the One Who Needs the Time Out

So often, we think of time out as a strategy for dealing with misbehaving children rather than a way for parents to cope with their own…

Photo by Kate Remmer on Unsplash

So often, we think of time out as a strategy for dealing with misbehaving children rather than a way for parents to cope with their own emotions. If we’re advocates of gentle parenting, timeout is an excellent alternative to corporal punishment, but it’s usually applied directly to our offspring. I’ve even heard it applied to our children’s toys.

For example, we can take a particular toy and place it in time out as a consequence. And these strategies often work. But what happens when we, as parents, are the ones that need a break?

I often speak to single parents because we are the ones who carry the weight of both parents. Even when the other parent is still involved, those of us with primary physical custody are the ones who manage the late nights, the illnesses, and the general stresses that come with raising children on a day-to-day basis. We pack the school lunches, attend the extracurricular events, and deal with the daily moods and behaviors of the children that we love.

While we’re grateful for the time and love our children with all of our hearts, it doesn’t mean that it’s not stressful at times. When we’re committed to parenting without yelling or violence, it can be a challenge to handle high-stress behaviors in our households. There are typically three types of parenting styles:

Permissive parents tend to allow their children free reign with little discipline.

Authoritarian parents tend to exercise a great deal of control over their children and provide few choices.

Authoritative parents tend to allow choice, have reasonable expectations, and provide support for their children to succeed while also allowing them to make choices.

Authoritarian and authoritative styles are often confused. The difference is that the authoritarian type parents punish while authoritative parents provide discipline. Studies suggest that children of authoritative parents- the ones who discipline rather than punish- tend to have fewer issues with self-esteem and depression than those raised with other parenting styles.

Authoritative parents often advocate for gentle parenting. These are the parents who choose not to spank or yell but instead try to find other ways of enforcing rules in the home. But many of us were not raised in these kinds of homes. Our own parents may have chosen another parenting style, and those styles provide us with a learned parenting style.

When we choose to parent differently, it may be a challenge to be consistent to the style we’ve chosen. As single parents, we’re also the only ones enforcing the rules. Sometimes, we can feel overwhelmed and just too tired to do the work of holding our children to the standards we’ve set. At times like this, it can be easy to fall back into the parenting style we were raised with. In order to stay the course, we may need to learn to take a parenting time out.

How do we take a parenting time-out, particularly when we are the ones responsible for our children in the home?

When we feel like we’re going to lose our temper and compromise on our parenting values, we can declare a parenting time out.

We can openly speak about our emotions and tell our children we’re going into timeout. This time out may be going into another room for a few minutes to calm down. We can use this time to take a few deep breaths and compose ourselves.

Our timeout can also be a regularly scheduled time for self-care. As a parent of very young children who can’t be left unsupervised, my self-care time takes place after their bedtime. That’s when I have a glass of wine, read a book, or take a long bath. Those of us with older children may choose to take an evening to ourselves where our children watch movies and eat pizza in one room while we’re undisturbed in another.

When I was in graduate school studying to be a counselor, I had a professor who explained that she was a single mother. When her children were old enough to be responsible, she declared Friday nights her time. After a certain time, her children could watch television or movies or play games while she had time to herself in her own room. They could eat what they wanted, and she would even order delivery for them if that’s what they chose. They didn’t even have a bedtime.

On that one night of the week, they had the freedom of time to themselves provided that they didn’t disturb her time except in the event of an emergency. It suited both her and her children to observe this self-care evening. She could talk to friends on the phone, enjoy a bubble bath, or watch movies without interruption. She explained that, for her, that one evening got her through the rest of the week, and she never had any difficulties with her kids on that night.

The book The Artist’s Way by Julie Cameron even suggest an artistic date night but not just any date night- the kind we go on completely by ourselves as a treat.

This isn’t a friend night or a time for a romantic interlude. This is a night we take completely to ourselves because we need that, too. It could be a movie or a picnic or even a walk in the park, but we need to make sure that we do something for ourselves each week. Sometimes an advance time-out can help us prepare for those days that are so stressful we struggle with parenting calmly.

Parenting calmly is essential.

How can we teach our children to be calm, effectively communicate, and have healthy coping strategies when we don’t? How can we teach them that they are of value if we don’t model self-care? Sometimes, we’re the ones who need the timeout, not our children.

When I see another parenting yelling at their child or spanking their child in the store, I try not to sit in a place of judgment. But I always think that it would be better for that parent to have the time out to get themselves together. Not as a punishment, but as a form of discipline (again, not to punish or shame) and also as a coping strategy.

It doesn’t mean that we’re failing as parents. It doesn’t even mean that there’s something wrong with us. It just means that we acknowledge our own limitations and take the time to deal with our own emotions before making decisions we might regret.

So take the time out. Take a few deep breaths. You’ve got this.