You Deserve the Love You Give

Not the love you get

I am not who I once was. But I’m not meant to be. Growth should change us. Sometimes, pain changes us, too. The experience of loving fully while being abandoned completely changed me irrevocably. When I stopped loving, I did so with a vengeance — so completely disconnecting from that feeling that I could scarcely remember how I had ever felt that way in the first place.

I’ve begun to think about the love in my life, or lack thereof. I’ve decided that we all deserve the love we give — not the love we get.

Think about that. It’s a powerful concept. The love that we are willing to give to others is what we actually deserve.

It’s a thought that gives me some semblance of peace because I know that I love passionately and completely. I am an enthusiastic supporter of the ones I choose to partner, and I know that I deserve to be adored in the way that I adore. And that I didn’t deserve to be abandoned in the ways that I’ve been abandoned.

The point isn’t how others treat us, not fully. Instead, we need to look at the treatment we accept in our lives. What others choose to do is reflective of their journeys, but what we choose to accept reflects our own.

I deserve a love like mine — a powerful love that will last. But I accepted attachment and affection that called itself love. Once, I even accepted abuse that tried to gaslight me into believing it was love. I’ve accepted half-effort and abandonment, not because I thought I deserved it but because I hadn’t yet figured out that no love was better than a poor imitation.

Of course, that’s an over-simplification of relationships. My own attachment often kept me holding on even when I realized no one was holding onto me. Plus, past trauma can trip us up — keeping us in cycles that are harmful to us. I’ve often found myself caught in the can’t-live-with-them-can’t-live-without-them paradox of relationships. But with all that being said, I still deserve a love like mine.

That might be a terrifying thought for those who are happy to partner someone and just as happy to neglect them once partnered. For those individuals, the thought that they deserve the love they give, not the love they get, may be frightening. Maybe it should be. Maybe there should be more self-reflection about the kind of partners we are and what we contribute to the relationships.

I knew exactly what I brought to relationships. But I spent too much time focusing on what I had to give and what I could contribute. I have gone into relationships thinking of all the ways I could enhance their lives and make them better. I was happy to be my partner’s cheerleader, their number one fan. I guess I always thought that they would be mine, too — even though that rarely happened. Still, I was happy to love hard and to assure them that my love was strong and real.

I was practically this-many-years-old when I realized that I hadn’t considered what they were bringing to the table of these relationships. I’d been so focused on loving well that I didn’t always ask if I was being loved well in return. I didn’t always ask how they made my life better.

Did they ease my stress or add to it? Did they make me feel loved, or did they make me feel like a convenience they couldn’t quite let go? Did they take care to be sensitive to my trauma and triggers or did they see them and push those buttons anyway?

I wasn’t asking these questions — at least, not for a long time. Because I have a difficult time asking for what I need (thank you, childhood trauma), it took me a while to realize that I was meeting needs while standing there with empty hands watching my own go unmet and unacknowledged. Or worse — acknowledged but still unfulfilled.

For those of us who love well, this is a timely reminder to adjust our standards. A little love will not fill us up. It won’t ever be enough. We deserve to be loved as well as we love others. Anything less than that doesn’t deserve our time and attention.

We deserve to be loved well and to partner people who will enrich our lives. We deserve the love we’ve given. The love we’ve gotten, that poor imitation of the real thing, wasn’t our fault. We didn’t deserve it. But just because it’s offered doesn’t mean we have to accept it either.

I’m still learning how to wait for what I deserve. I’m impatient to feel the kind of love I have to give, but I know that it’s better to love myself well and be alone than to settle for inadequate love from someone else. And anything less than a love like mine just won’t measure up.

From You Deserve the Love You Give— Not the Love You Get published on P.S. I Love You on Medium

Dear Readers,

I hope you remember today that you deserve the love you give. You deserve to be cherished and adored. By yourself, always. But by the ones you choose to partner, too.

For more of my work, check out my local artist series on NewsBreak. I’ve been fortunate to be able to interview many local authors, artists, and craftspersons in the Madison, Georgia, area. I’ll have more throughout the month, so check those out if you love to read about the creative process and work of these talented local artists.

Featured on The Good Men Project: When the Generic Motivational Advice Fails to Account for Privilege

Featured on Thought Catalog: The Difference Between Healing Our Hearts — And Breaking Theirs

Featured on Medium: What Your Relationship History Really Says About You

Enticing Journeys Book Promotions will be hosting a book blogger tour for my Heart of Madison series from May 31st to June 4th. Expect to see social media posts, reviews, and more!

Thank you so much for your ongoing support!

Best Wishes & Warmest Regards,

Crystal